Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Babies Come From Cupcakes, Obviously

K, so. My Better Half is curled up under his old boyscouts sleeping bag, face covered and all. I turned off all the lights to better suit slumbering, and now... Drunk blogging time!

I should probably figure out a way to disable the "Paige posted at fuck-all a.m. in the morning" feature. It's 4 a.m., I'll be honest.

K, so, I had mentioned, in passing, the impending baby shower. It was last week, I took a whole day off work. And, also, I stressed. The. Fuck. Out. This shower was important for two reasons:

1) My oldest friend, Haley, is pregnant with a little princess. She will name this child Temperance Paige. Temperance after a character on one of her favorite tv shows, Bones, and Paige after... MOTHERFUCKING ME. Holy god. I'm a god-mother.

2) I have never been to a baby shower. Never. Shit's supposed to be pink? You play some game with nasty candy bars in diapers? What the fuck am I supposed to do here?!


Neither Mom to Be nor myself have a home fit for a baby shower, so we had it at her old church. They provided tables and chairs and crystal platters and alllllll the things. I kind of wish I was raised in a non-agnostic household... this place had a full kitchen. Four ovens, two stoves, three fridges... How.

I called the Mom to Be's own mother like this:

Me: Glenda! Hey, all the ice trays are empty and I need ice for the punch and water pitchers! Can you pick up some ice on your way?

Glenda: Is the ice machine empty?

Me: Ice machine? What?

Glenda: Left of the fridges.


I'll stop gnawing your ear off and just show you photos. In 3, 2, 1...

I was so stressed until it came time to pipe the tops of the mini cupcakes. Filling that bag, then twisting the end and forcing frosting out the tip... I can't describe how wonderful that was.

I am so blessed to have cake experience. My good friend Alex, who lives in LA now, taught me a lot in fondant and buttercream. I owe him bunches.

My cupcakes vs the Grandma's brownies with little booties on them.

(Mine ran out quicker.)

"Paige's Pinwheels" which the Mommy demanded. They're really simple, but they always go the fastest. Cream cheese, olives, peppers, and shredded cheese, all wrapped in a tortilla. Gosh, I love redneck hors d'oeuvres.

Also, we served crustless ham and cheese tea sandwiches. I thought they'd be dainty. Please excuse the glob of mayo. A pregnant woman sauced them.

She did not want to take this photo, at all. Not shown in the close-ups: chips and french onion dip as well as mini ham and cheese quiches. Oh la la.

When I'm pregnant, I'm throwing my own shower. Seriously, I've stumbled upon too many cute things to let them go to waste.

The tables were pink and purple.

The stuff overflowed the table we set out.

Haley found a helper.

I call that practice.

So, that concludes my bout into fucking baby hysteria. Tune in next month when I actually see the child.

And have no idea what do, at all.

God, I'm bad with kids.

Seacrest out!

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